Help from the Past




Last night I attended my very first medium party with an old friend from my childhood. I was excited to see my friend, and hug her, for her recent loss of her mother, who was a good woman. I spent so much time at my friend’s house growing up, that her mom played a special role in my life as well, and I am grateful for our time with her.

Her passing has a ripple effect on all of us, and now even more profoundly, this past relationship, friendship, will now shape my future.

My friend had psychic medium Bianca Star over to do private 30 minute sessions with anyone who wanted a message from spirit. I walked into it very open minded, I believe her gift is god-given and a direct line of communication to ‘The Great Divine’ as Bianca called it. I envy and appreciate her gift and others with gifts like it, and pray that maybe one day I could open up my own abilities…. so…. we began.

Bianca takes notes as she talks through the spirit message she is receiving. She began writing immediately, saying ‘there is a very strong woman here’. She stopped writing to react to her, ‘very strong’ she repeated, which made me smile. Grandma Rose. She said Grandma didn’t like help, she did everything independently, on her own, her way. She said my grandma told her that I was just like her. ‘Strong’ she said again. I want to be self-sufficient. She also said that grandma hears me speak to her and she answers back. Not in a creepy disembodied ‘ghost voice’, but in my thoughts, in my mind. I get impressions, feelings, a gut reaction to something. That’s grandma. Turns out, she was going to guide this entire session.

She brought through another ‘father-figure’ and it took a minute to figure out who this was. You must always be open to these experiences, you never know who will pop in! A father figure, who passed after my grandmother… but both of my grandfather’s passed before her, and my dad is living, at least he was yesterday. Who could this be? And there went my gut reaction again. My stepfather.

I don’t talk much about this person. My mother had a short marriage to him, which ended with me leaving and refusing to go back at 14 years old. I saw what took her time to see, that a few mouthfuls of vodka secretly poured into his cup of tea, changed him into a monster. I knew he was good under the fermented potatoes, but he was bad out front, in my face, and made my life miserable between the ages of 11 and 14. These years were difficult anyway, I was bullied by neighborhood kids in Yaphank Long Island, kids I wish I cared enough to find now in adulthood, to repay the kindness. So I had no one, nothing, not at home, not at school, but luckily enough, I had my love of music (Seattle grunge) and a few friends that I loved, that loved me, and one of them was the one who invited me last night.

Bianca described my step-father as ‘not so emotional, very cut and dry’ to which my answer was, ‘he was German, yeh.’ She said my mother loved him, which gave me pause. I understood that. I understood that in the wake of my father’s leaving us and not bothering to look back, my mother wanted me to have a whole family. My step-father was willing to help her, to share the load, to pay bills, mow the lawn, and take her car for oil changes. My mother needed help. She was alone for many years, raising two strong-willed and sometimes rotten children. I understood why she loved and needed him. I understood that she had no idea she was leading me into the lion’s den.

My step-father didn’t apologize in this quick visit through Bianca, he simply stated that I worry a lot about my mother, but that I didn’t need to. He was her protector. He just wanted me to know this, and knew I would be open to it. I had forgiven him years ago.

My grandmother remained present and picked up the mic again at this point. She told Bianca that I am very spiritually connected. She said my spirit has been calling me for a while, and now, more than it ever has. She wants me to know to trust what I get, what I feel. When I ‘know things’ about people, believe it. She said I have abilities to work on, maybe not through spirits, the way Bianca works, but through my ‘intuition’. I was elated, but I felt my ‘beach ball-sized lady nuts’ get even bigger. Trust myself more? You got it!

My father’s father came through then, another ever-present loved one, like mom’s mom, who was always around me. I had said he didn’t have to come through, because I KNOW he’s there everyday, and I speak to him as well. But of course he came, because it made me happy, and he had a message for me as well. First Bianca described him as an ‘old fashioned manly man’ and I could just see him in his trench coat, dressed to the nines and handsome as ever. Bianca said there were ‘scents’ that connected me to him. I laughed. I laughed harder the more I thought about it. ‘Yes!’ I told her, ‘Literally scents! Incense! I burn his incense everyday!’ My grandparents had 13 cats in a basement apartment in Ridgewood. I can probably name them all… Blue Eyes, Queenie, Tiger, Boy, Pretty Boy, Morris, Fluffy… that may be it for the moment! Anyway, the way they handled the smell? Nag Champa incense, imported from India. Best. Shit. Ever. I still burn it every time my cat takes a dump.

Grandpa Pete’s message was not to keep a tidy litter box for Mimi, but to be patient. Bianca was describing him earlier and I blurted out… ‘he was a saint!’ to which she responded, ‘he was patient.’ I always remember everyone in the family describing him on numerous occasions, of ‘having the patience of a saint’. So, his presence was with us completely now. He said I need to be patient with myself, things take time. I have an aggressive attitude, I want things NOW. Bianca said that he taught me patience, and is teaching me that now. I immediately remembered my favorite moments with him, spending hours playing cards… playing Memory! That made me patient, even as I ripped the cards over to see if they matched! I taught him how to play Chess years later. Patience. After that, I could never beat him again, and I got frustrated. He told me, ‘That’s how you know a good teacher, when the student becomes better at it.’ Oddly enough, at my young age, I accepted that explanation, and was satisfied. I taught him so good that I couldn’t beat him anymore. He also said I need to go with the flow, like he did, and not to hold to control so much.

And then he brought up our connection to music. If you know me at all, you know I was always musical. Into music, playing music, in bands, singing, writing music, playing the piano and flute, and keyboards. Music was and is my life, as it was for grandpa. He LOVED music, and he played Bianca a song that she called ‘jazzy’. I can only imagine it was the old music from the 20’s and 30’s. Then she asked me, ‘Do you know when a song comes on and it happens to fit what’s going on in your life right then? It’s the universe delivering a message. If the station changes or a random song comes on, pay attention to it, listen, listen to the words, there’s a message for you.’ That’s 100% true. Almost everyday that happens and I say to myself- I was just thinking of this song, or I was just feeling like that, or how weird that this song comes on now. Grandpa? Is that you?

Bianca drew two lines on the page, maybe mechanically, to signify this was a shift in energies. She asked me if I had a sibling passed. No. She asked me if I understood a young male, 25, dying from a drug overdose. A sibling? No. She said, ‘It’s ok, I’ll write this down and you will come back to it later. He had a short name. Mike?’ I shook my head. ‘Maybe someone connected to my sibling?’ I asked her. ‘Maybe’ she said, and kept jotting down notes. ‘He needs them to know that he’s ok. He didn’t suffer. They tried to save him but they weren’t meant to. He wants them to know he’s ok where he is.’ Ok, I said, open to it. ‘They have his baseball hat.’ she added. Ok, I said, so curious to know who this could be! Bianca suddenly got his name, ‘Doug!’

This is an aside… (an aside is a theatre term for when an actor steps out of character to address the audience directly) Today I had a lease signing for my neighbor, I do real estate full time. My husband and I found this wonderful couple, both EMT’s, he’s a firefighter, she’s a nurse. His mother sold their house and they are moving to Long Island, but he has to stay in NYC to qualify for FDNY, so voila, looking for an apartment in Queens. Boom, I love them, they love the apartment, my neighbor loves them, my husband loves them, boom, new neighbors. So we do the lease signing this morning, I get the checks from the couple and it isn’t until I’m in the office later that I see the names on the check. His parents. Dad’s name is Douglas.

I get chills. Is there a Doug ‘Jr’, the 25 year old from my reading? Does my new neighbor have a brother Doug that passed from an overdose that he TRIED TO SAVE because he has the training to? I have to trust myself… right? This neighbor is 28. A younger brother of 25 fits. I met this couple Wednesday, so is it possible his brother Doug was with him, knew I was going to see Bianca on Friday night and took the opportunity to get his message through her, to me, to his brother the EMT whom I’d never met before? Fucking awesome. Mind blown. So now I have to figure out how to give him this message! It’s not an email or a text, I have to wait to see him and I will have to update you if I’m right!

Bianca continued. Spiritually, we were talking about my ‘passion path’ now. My purpose. I will see a shift in my career within two years. She said ‘You love what you do, but it’s not your passion.’ Yep. ‘You help people now?’ Yes, I answered, I’m in real estate. The truth is I do nothing but HELP people! These deals are not easy, there’s a lot of money at stake and you truly need an advocate who is working for you and not their commission. I have found a way to truly take care of people and make a living doing it, and I do love it. She said I have to trust the connections I have.

Grandma Rose guided us to the next message. She said she is thankful for the way I am with my mom. She said it took patience, which seems to be the theme of the evening. She said I am more like the mom and mom is like my daughter! Yes, I always say, I don’t have kids, I have my mother. She mentioned my brother, who I am not currently speaking to, but love very much. She said I feel responsible for him. I do. But that I am overbearing, and that he’s stubborn, and that I have to let him do things his way. That’s fine, I have come to that conclusion myself. I don’t have to make everyone happy, was the message conveyed to me, and it spoke volumes.

Bianca said, ‘Your dad is strong-willed too!’ Yes, I’m his clone-spawn. She said I am connected to his mother as well, that she is living. ‘Yes,’ I said and ‘this is my sore spot. I know I should do more for her.’ Bianca went on to ‘nail’ the situation with my dad’s mom, saying ‘where she is, is difficult’ and that it’s not my fault. She said she ‘lost her marbles so communication is a bit hard.’ My grandmother is in a nursing home about 10 miles from the Canadian border. Where she is, is difficult. I know it isn’t my fault, but I feel guilt, such a heavy grief and guilt for the way things went with her. Bianca understood that and said, ‘it’s not like you can call her.’ No, I’d have to get into the car and drive 11 hours to see if she even knows who I am. I know she’s in a good place, and she has good people around her who are taking care of her who I am so grateful for. Still, this is my sore spot. I was never close to my dad’s mom, though my dad’s dad was everything to me. Dad’s mom took dad’s side, even when he was dead wrong, even when I needed her and him in those difficult years between 11 and 14. They were both so selfish and so caught up in their own bullshit that they had no idea what I was dealing with at home, nor did I feel they would care. My grandmother told me, ‘you never call your dad, you don’t worry about him?’ Well, lady, not really because I’m dealing with an alcoholic day in and day out, so no, not really worried about my dad’s frequent trips to Vegas. I never felt love or loyalty for her after that. It’s something I will have to work on.

Bianca continued with ‘Don’t force relationships with friends’. She said I am beginning to align with my passion path and I will lose people on the way. I very confidently said, ‘Fine.’ If my passion, my purpose, is not in line with what anyone else likes, ask me if I give two flying shits? No, cause I’ll keep those flying shits for someone who deserves them. Bianca had a universal message for me. That I am doing ok. Stop being so hard on myself. And when I am hard on myself, I make it difficult for everyone around me. She also said my path would be something like ‘spiritual life coaching’. Oh, man! I just had that same thought last week! How much I love to motivate people, lift them up, help them, make them see how powerful they are. Make them see how beautiful they are! I think the best day of my life would be to change someone else’s life… for the absolute best future they could ever imagine, cause they deserve that.

Grandma Rose recognized my cousin’s new baby, her new great grandbaby and I know she’s looking out for him. Shout out to Benjamin from Grandma Rose!

Bianca asked me if I had any questions. Well, just one, and I am laughing now even as I recount it. This god-damed friggin pain in the ass book I’m writing… I feel like there’s this energy with me MADROS who fucking bothers me every waking moment of life MADROS this son of a bitch haunts my every step MADROS where the hell does this shit come from and who the hell does he think he is? Bianca looked up to the ceiling, as if consorting with the heavens before delivering the answer I have longed for for many years. ‘It’s you.’ She said. ‘Your book is a past life of yours. It happened to you.’

Note to self: You are your own pain in the ass. Makes perfect sense. Thank you Bianca 🙂




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